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  • Rai Cantisano

who am i (a proper introduction)


fuck this question

here's what i know to be true, to whom it may concern:


i like glitter a lot. seriously, something lights up in me when i stare into anything sparkly i can smear across my face and beyond. sometimes, i want to hurt the people i love the most. most times i want to be held and seen except when i am watching the chilling adventures of sabrina on netflix, do not interrupt then. right now i find comfort in being nothing at all. potential. the original void.

i have dreams and desires that shift like a motherfucker. i am an artist and the harshest critic i have ever encountered, at least from the poll of critics whose thoughts i can hear unfiltered (that would amount to one). i want to be a contribution and i believe we all are by nature, and some days i am not included in that, hence the wanting. i guess i am a little lonely. i am ridiculously loving too. i will go to any lengths to stand for the people i love, including (but not exclusively) saying fuck you and letting them go. i am concerned that this blog post will come across silly and/or embarrassing and/or brilliant and that's all good, at least we'll know.

i am seriously childlike. i take people's opinions in a lot, then i do whatever i want with them.

i am openly confused about my sexuality because i feel like my body could love more people as much as my heart does and i suspect that it might if it weren't for a lifetime of observing hatred towards that possibility. i love my parents and being intimate with them scares the shit out of me, rightfully so, my therapist would say. i am a grief machine who laughs a lot, all things considered. i am on occasion worried about a heating planet even though on a practical level my body loves the warmth and that is confusing to me, but then my worry turns to rage and its fire contributes to the hellish climate apocalypse so i find it best to think of something else. i am a home builder and that is where my divinity undoubtedly lives, right now. my best work of art to date is the relationship i am building with my partner (a thought that brings me some shame too shouldn't you put yourself first?, brain says) because it is the most i have ever allowed myself to receive. my listeners may not agree and i secretly hope they don't and that they think my music is the best thing ever! even though i often feel like i am falling short of something i'm not even sure the shape of (other than the greatness of every artist i admire, and their dedication and their flawlessness even when they're failing - according to the internet). i am obsessed with tidiness and cleanliness, for that is the correct way to live life even though i don't believe in right and wrong. i am the-fun-kind-of-petty and anti-monarchy-princess-like and deep and courageous and insufferable (my feedback) and glorious and will not hesitate to roll up my sleeves and throw my entire self in the mud and, have you noticed, i walk this tight rope of self love and self judgement a lot and i like to believe that the love is winning because that is clearly the side my ego prefers because i judge all judgy people and i like being right when i do. i am tender as hell. i am as full of doubts as i am of certainties and they like to dance around, just like i do, i love dancing and will often resist going out to dance. but i dance. and i love. i also make music and coach and write and do the most for anyone i love and bitch about how awful it was to be an actor in the NYC theater even though it was wonderful too.

i'm healing.


that sums up about roughly an insignificant amount of it.

nice to meet you.

who are you?

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